Let's do a major mind sweep.

My mother. She is synonymous with the words 'hectic', 'chaos', 'martyr', 'memory of convenience'. Let's explain that, yeah? Whenever she comes over, there's so much static in the air that it's both suffocating and insufferable. Somehow, she's trying to see who else will take her on, to see if their electricity snaps with hers the right way. Mine always does, the only difference is that my electricity starts fires and hers just fries everything it comes into contact with. Except me, it seems. She's endlessly not satisfied, there's always something wrong when she's here, it's almost like we've formed split personalities so that when she comes over we don't have to deal with her shit- and the thing is, she notices it, and even though we're doing what she always tells us to do, that's not good enough either. Say, for example, I never put my dishes in the dish washer. When she bitches at me, I decide I'll only do it when she comes over, so she comes over, I do it, and she has a problem with it. 'Oh, so NOW you put them away, now that I had to talk to you about it?' and I think 'yeah, that's right' because I wouldn't have done it if she hadn't said something. So, she says something, I do what she asked, and because I'm doing what she asked, she's mad. Somehow it makes her 'seem like a bad guy'. That was an example. An example of something that happened, but none the less.

She told me I was a mistake, years ago, and it came up in an argument. She says 'I don't remember that'. She never remembers when she hurts someone else, but she remembers when they hurt her. I had even asked 'do you mean 'accident'?' And she said 'no, a mistake.' After I told her that, she said 'well, you were a mistake. We didn't plan well and the real mistake was telling you that.' I see. The real mistake has nothing to do with how you were never our mother, you were our therapist, our very own private God if you will. She's so conniving. I don't get it.

She disowned me. Said 'You just burnt this bridge' after she said 'I'll respect you if you get off your fat ass and do something' and I replied 'That's how I feel ['about you' was implied]'. In the same argument, my brother told her she was dead to him, and she came over two weeks later, announcing that those things never happened. I told her what she said, and how I don't want to be nice to her, and she said 'I don't remember that'. She said 'I apologize' and I said 'I don't accept. I don't know what you're apologizing for. Besides, what the hell is an 'apology'? Are you SORRY? Are you taking responsibilityity for what you did?'

'No, I don't remember saying it, so I'm not sorry.'
'Do you think I'm lying to you?'
'No, I just don't remember.'

I'm done with not being angry at people who forget things. FUCK that. I'm so tired of that. I'm angry for so long and then they just don't remember and I'm supposed to let it go? What else can I do with it? No. She said she was sorry for hurting my feelings, later, and explained why she's been so hostile.

'When you came back from Utah, you stayed the night with Elizabeth on your first day back. I was so angry because I had been the one who helped you get home and I felt betrayed.'
'Mom? I called and asked if it was okay with you.'
'You're twenty-one, you make your own decisions.'
'No, mom, I wasn't asking for permission. I was asking if it was OKAY with YOU if I went with Liz.'
'Oh. I didn't realize.'

Of course not. No one asks. I wonder if they realize how simple I am. I wonder if anyone really realized how simple I am. My characters are complex because I'm jealous that I'm not. I'm a code and if you can decode me, I'm the easiest thing in the world. No one realizes that if you ask me a blunt question, I'll give you a blunt answer.

'Do you love me?'
'Yes.'

'Do you want my body?'
'Yes.'

'Why are you so nice to me?'
'Because I care about you. I'm not nice to people who don't mean anything to me.'

---

I'm very pointed about things. I won't have sex unless it means something to me. I won't kiss someone unless they mean something to me. I've counted the amount of times I've kissed someone romantically, I've counted who I've kissed, know their names. Anyone I'm fumbled around with, I have them counted. Anyone who has made it to level four or five. I know the first and last names of everyone who has ever meant a lot to me and I know all the people I've had crushes on since kindergarden. I keep track so that I know. Every single person that I care about will be in my life forever because I keep them there. If I were a presidential candidate, every single vote counts, everytime.

I keep track of what is important to the people who are important to me. I keep track of what they want from life, ideals they have, and usually, I can even remember very small details that even I'm surprised about. I have the ability to be the best friend you could ever have. I can do these things, because that's important to me. If I care about you enough to treat you well, I want to be your favorite person and I will try forever until that happens and then I'll keep it that way. (Significant others excluded. It would suck if someone liked their best friend more than their arm ornament.)

I'm really bad in relationships. I've never really built a relationship level in the same way I've built friendship levels. So I treat them the same, but I don't know what I'm allowed to do and so I don't do anything at all. Am I allowed to hug? Kiss? Can I hold your hand in public? Can I do anything I want in public? Do I have to ask you before I do something? If your parents already know me, should I still meet them? If I don't know them, is it too soon? I can touch people well, and it's not difficult to bring someone to climax, and if I've had enough time to feel at ease around you, I will do those things, but... is it okay that in the mean time, I don't want you to hang on me? If you're not okay with that, is it something we should break up over, or is it something we both have to compromise over? I mean, it's my body, so should I have to compromise just because you want to touch me? Does the fact that we're dating have influence over that?

I'm confused about a lot of things. Supposedly, after the term 'sex' was defined, I've had it with girls before. Sex is engaging in a sexual activity where one or more parties has an orgasm. Sexual intercourse is inserting (usually the penis) and object into (usually the vagina/anus) orafice. Having sex requires movement, thrusts, release, etc. This was very helpful, because some people don't realize that I really had no idea what sex was considered among two women and thus, partially why I'm afraid of having a same-sex relationship. I don't want a relationship in which I don't know what the bases are, e.g. first, second, third, home run.

I've come to a conclusion about the type of love I want. I want to have a love where I can be whoever I am, no matter if it's the violent malicious me, or if it's the shy person. I can be cold and calculating, and I can be sadistic or masochistic and I can love it when you make me feel disgusting, I can be happy and cheerful and dopy and I might (rarely) cry. I can be jealous and lost and always confused about something, but I'm always using the same brain and rationaliztions.

I want someone who can handle me well. That's all.

---

Elizabeth is moving to Korea. When I was younger, I used to smash faces in with my bloody knuckles and I would laugh and I felt no remorse and I met her and gave it all up. You can't change the inside, but you can halt actions and sometimes dull reactions, and I've tried so hard, but I'm really scared. Firstly, of losing her. That's way above any other concerns. I'm scared. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's the person who knows me best and I want her to be happy and I want to not hold her back and so she's going and I love her and I'm going to write to her every couple of days once she's gone.

Second. What if I revert? Since the muzzle has been removed from the dog, does it know not to bite? Or does it not realize that when provoked it may snap back on instinct? I worry too much. Usually about things involving my friends and their mental health.

---

I live in the middle of no where and I can't get a job but I have things I need to pay for and this is pissing me right the fuck off.

I'm probably going to start working weekends in Bellevue, when Liz brings me down. Least I'll have some money coming in. It'll be better. More comfortable for Dad, then, too.

---

I'm really sad that Emily and I are no longer well acquainted. This has hurt my feelings a lot and now that I'm distanced from it, I'm able to say that. I didn't cry, but I felt this sense of numbing and I kind of nod now, wondering why it took so long, thankful that I'd had as long as I did.

---

I'm over Andrew. Now I'm just trying to be his friend. Sometimes I remember why I liked him so much, and there's a throb, but that's slowly ebbing away, too. It's hard to extract yourself from something when it's all around.

---

I think I have a crush on three girls right now, and it's impossible with all of them. Distance, closeness, and proximity. These are all the reasons. They're all too good for me, anyway. I like them intimidating, so it makes sense this way. Heh. Too bad, though, that's just more people to get over.

---

I like a guy who is so bad for me. I think we're both bored of each other. It's too bad. But we still want each other. How stubborn can you get?

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I used to be fearless when I was young.

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I'm going to become fearless.

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I'm okay.