Call in the cavalry.

Hi. My name is Christina and I've kind of been in a rut. It started a few months ago and has been continually getting worse and worse. For a while there, I thought I was over it. For a while there, I was, but then this brick wall presented itself to me and I was unsure of what to do. I can't climb it, I cannot walk around it, so I bashed my head against it until it crumbled to the ground and I lied beneath the rubble, bleeding, and confused and probably bounding on mental retardation for a while.

So many bad things happened at once that I was back to square one, wondering how the fuck I was going to get out of this one. I'd been struggling, had been trying to figure out what to do, and thanks to some of my friends, I realized that I was the problem. I have this secretive issue, and I also have this lying concern. I don't worry about that last one so much anymore, I've been working on it a lot and I've gotten some very good and very bad results. Everything that happened, I completely deserved, so I didn't blame anyone and I wasn't offended, I was just sad. It is my fault that a lot of this stuff has happened, but no one knew that until I told them so. I guess I was idealistic to think that coming clean to my friends was worth something. I thought that if they knew I thought they were worth it, and that they knew I was trying to get better, we could try and work something out. Some people did not feel that way, and naturally, I have to respect that. After all, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me.

'Friends' came into question. The word and the definition. I don't have to talk to someone often to consider them my friend. I could go months without talking to someone and still consider them my friend because I trust that when the two of us aren't busy and we have time, I believe we'll fill in the blanks. For some friends, they don't agree. They think you have to be an active part of their life in order to be considered a friend. We don't see eye to eye because my heart loves people, not my brain. Even if I was mad at them, if they apologized, I'd be okay with it because I care about them.

I don't see a lot of my friends very often at all. My closest friend, I live near and still don't see her as much as I'd like. I'm probably the one to blame for that. We're not talking right now, but she responded when I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, so at least she doesn't detest me. My second closest friend (currently my closest?), the person I talk to most often, I don't even live in the same state as her, or even the same coast, but I consider us close. I keep a lot of things from her, and she dislikes it with fervor, but I just don't like sharing a lot about myself. I believe that if anyone really knew me, I'd be completely alone.

I want to get closer with the friends I have now. Certain individuals, not all of them. S, E, A, A, G, E. Six people. One of them doesn't consider me a friend. One of them thinks it just takes time, and I hope that one day, we'll be able to be closer than just the internet. I want to spend more time with two of them, and I want to share more about myself with another. Lastly, I want one of them to share important things with me. I want all of them to do that, but this last one is important. He doesn't have anyone else.

Being a disappointment isn't fun.

Happy Thanksgiving, I leave in three days for Utah.