Wow.

A bunch of friends and I had a whole bunch of large conversations last night. They were pretty important sounding, and I, being one who asks until she understands, or has a lot of rebuttal, I believe it was my fault. It started with a game of Rockband and after two comments, the last being 'okay, I'm still really upset about...' I cut in and said 'Alright, what about it? Are you going to do something, or just talk? We don't have to play anymore if it's so frustrating.' She began to respond saying 'but' and I cut in again saying 'are we playing, or not?' and she said 'I guess not'. So we stopped.

Then ensues a huge multiple hour conversation where I'm told to butt-out many times, thinking often about how much of a hypocrite all of them are. Telling me to shush, even after all the times they got into mine, or anyone else's business and justified it. Fuck that. Fuck them.

I started a list. This one is pretty important. I don't want to forget why the person I care about most dislikes me, so I started a journal on it, in hopes of never forgetting since somehow I can't apologize.

Lots of drama. A little less than an hour of roller-blading. Fury. Fear of the dark. Sobbing. A horrible stomach ache. Pounding migraine. I'm a fucking mess. I don't want anyone to talk to me ever so that I don't have to think at all. People are so hard to be around, my logic doesn't coencide with their logic and I'm the one who's wrong, but I just don't get it and I want it explained and it isn't. Instead, it's this isn't your business and you're being too invasive and really, what's so wrong with wanting to understand where someone is coming from? I wasn't arguing because I didn't agree, I was arguing because I didn't understand why they wanted what they wanted, why that was the best solution, I didn't get it. It didn't make sense. I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense to me, does it?

I'm not a part of the group anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I'm the one who did it, aren't I? I don't mind that I'm not anymore, I don't mind not having the people- they were rude and in my face and made me feel stupid. Telling me 'you don't know what you're talking about' or 'I know (insert name) better than you' and who the hell cares? The drama wasn't worth the laughter.

Now, I just miss being a part of something. I'll have to find a niche again. I'll have to do something, or I'll end up shutting everyone out. Somehow, I think I already have.