Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Life is weird right now. My mom's body is slowly breaking down over the sudden weight gain and she's having a hard time dealing with her. Her marriage has been failing for years and it's slowly, slowly, coming to a close. I'm happy for her and him, hoping it will be over soon even though neither of them really knows how to stop or how to move on or even let go. They just don't get it. If they can't be friends then they need to walk away. If they can't even act friendly, why even bother? She's so bitter that she drives him away whenever he tries to do better and he's so done with it that he's beginning to give up on his attempts, and she doesn't understand. He'll call her on the phone and all she'll talk about is how he never calls. When he finally does, he gets a lecture about it and so of course he's not going to want to chit-chat with her on the telephone anymore because it gets nowhere. She's stuck in a rut and he just wants to carry on life the way it was and she refuses to have it. I don't blame either of them for what they're doing, I can't, but I wish they'd go about their business in other ways. This could end classier than they think.

Mom's been crying a bunch lately. We almost got evicted because of the brother I constantly refrain from mentioning because he's been buying drugs and saying it's for his mother. We have under cover police in the apartments I live in (They're not 'hood' but they're technically 'the projects') and on Saturday, we were going to be raided and kicked out. She doesn't do drugs anymore, so all they'd find was paraphernalia and that's not a big enough offense, not enough to be put in a holding cell even. She's torn up about it because that means the people at the office had it out for her. This is why they were a little bit reluctant to put me on the lease again if we were getting kicked out the next day. After I left the office, mom stayed and was told about this. She ended up giving a lot of information about who -should- be removed. We all know who they are, if the police are stupid enough not to know, fuck them.

I'm tired, a little, or, I have been for a while. Not lazy, just sleepy. I mean, I get like, five hours and then go to work and return and try to relax and post in the mean time and then I get five hours sleep and I'm running on E, it sucks. But, I want everyone I care about to know, or think at least, that I'm putting in an effort to see or talk to them. I don't think everyone quite understands just how much of a mess I am and if they did, I imagine they'd be more lenient, or at least more accepting of the circumstances. I want to soak into someone and let them take care of me. Sounds the best and I'm sure someone would be willing, I know enough people who like me to be able to find someone and explain that I'd like to use them for as long as it takes to get back up on my feet.

I don't know why but I feel like no one loves me, even though I'm consciously aware of it. I used to feel enveloped in another persons presence, used to be sated with minimal efforts on another persons part and now it's just not cutting it. It's like I'm wearing myself thin and I used to be okay with not getting much back in return, so long as people understood that I cared about them and now I'm just so fed up with getting nothing or very small amounts and it's killing me. Am I not worth it? Am I too much of a bother? Is it because I lost myself somewhere along the way? Does no one understand that it hurts when they don't try to be a friend? It's not hard, even. It's starting the conversation when I don't, it's saying hello when you think of me, stupid little things that make a world of a difference and if it's so hard, then why talk to me at all? What good am I to you if you can't do these things for me? I'm not thinking of any one person or any one time in particular, just generally speaking.

I wish that I wasn't feeling like this, feeling like I'm dreaming, I hate being Lucid, I don't like the idea and the state and I don't even want to get up some mornings. I don't cry, no, I'm done with that. I'm so far from letting this hurt me that I'm begging other people to give me a moment of relief, to treat me better for just one second so that I can breathe. I want to be happy and energetic when you can't and I want to listen to you when you talk, I want to be serious when you need me to be and I want you to do the same. What am I asking for that isn't assumed already when you become 'friends' with someone else? Is it selfish? Fine. I guess I'll be selfish then.

If you can't give back what I give to you, and it's because you literally -can't-, that's fine. If you won't give it back to me because it's tedious or something is always in the way or there's never time or you just feel like you can't give it to me completely so you won't at all- burn in hell. Burn, in fucking hell, and don't you ever open your mouth to me if I fail you at something. I try harder than most people to do my best for the people I care about, and if you haven't noticed, I'm not doing ask much as I used to. I'm trying to return what's given to me. I am following the golden rule.