The world ends with me.

Got kicked out. Not as pleasant as I was hoping. Tried to settle the college business, tried to get mom off my back and stop breathing hot, disgusting, cigarette-smelling air down my neck. I caved, and I called Grandma, begged her to do this for me, and the phone was dying so I said I'd call her back. All mom talked about was -her- credit, not caring about mine or anyone else's, of course not, she only cares about what happens to her. Grandma was supposed to pay for it all to begin with, so why she isn't, I don't understand.

I get off the phone and mom starts a rant about something or other, about how I'm not responsible and how I never will be, and how ungrateful I am that she's doing all this for me, paying my bills. I ask her, 'am I not paying you back? Am I not trying to take the stress off you by doing the one embarassing thing I said I wouldn't do?' And she says that if I'd done what I was told in the first place, this never would've happened, and I get angry. 'I didn't do it then, I'm trying to fix it now, what the hell else do you want?'

'Some appreciation.' She started an argument with me, 'just' to get 'some appreciation'. It doesn't seem rational. Of course I'm thankful, she's covering my ass when it shouldn't need covering and I'm pissed too, and I'm angry and I'm in the same position she is, except I don't get money automatically every month because I don't claim social security. I actually work to get what I want.

The conversation escalates, we're talking louder, and she's just so mad about how irresponsible I am and I say 'OKAY! So I'm irresponsible, I'm trying to fix it, what are we even talking about?' And we repeat the same thing, she says that if I'd done what I was supposed to to begin with- you see where I'm going, so she starts insulting me, my intelligence and finally, I'm like 'I'm doing the best that I can to make up for it, to set things right, holy shit, you need to back off.'

'Don't you tell me what to do.'
'Are you kidding me? Shut the hell up.'
'Don't you tell me to shut up.'
'Shut up.'
'Get out.'
'No.'
'Or I'll have the police escort you.'
'Fine. So long as you count this as throwing me out.'

She gets angry. I go pack my things. She watches me, neutrally comments if something falls, puts my blankets in trash bags and takes my stuff outside. I take the rest out and when I'm turning to get my skates, she slams the door closed after saying 'Don't call or come back until you can treat me with respect.'

I can't. But I want my skates. They belong to me. I'm getting them back if I have to call the police because I'm so sick of her winning by technicality. It's frustrating. So I'm going to play by the rules and get what I want.

John dies at the end.

http://www.johndiesattheend.com/1-1.html

My mother and I got into a 'fight' today. I say 'fight' because she was the one being stupid. There's a problem with my college, we called them and we tried to discuss these payments and we kept getting hung up on and I seriously believe there's a conspiracy going on when it comes to that matter, but my mom was freaking out and she keeps telling me it's not my fault and I know that but I wanted her to know I still felt bad. So I said just that. 'I'm sorry mom, I feel really bad about this.' And then she went and did it. I have this problem, if you phrase things incorrectly, I get pissed off to no end. If you say it right, there's always a right way and you could say anything to me and I would never get offended if you said it just the right way. So she asks me, the way girls have a tendency of pushing something and says 'For what?'

She's not stupid, completely, and so I'm irritated. She should know what I feel bad about, I feel bad about the entire situation, but I'm angry that I'm getting punished for something that 'isn't [my] fault' so I say "You know what? Never mind, Fuck this, I'm going to play on Jon's computer" and so I go and I do. A bit later, she pops out of her room and says "By the way, Colleen called about a job for you, and you need to look for another place to live." Which pisses me off further and I call Colleen. She doesn't answer cause she isn't home so I take the present I got for her daughter and walk over to her house to wait. I stay with the child for a bit and then leave because her mother wasn't there and as I get to the bottom of the stairs and start heading home I hear my mom's voice saying 'So are we going to talk about this, or what?'

I ask what we have to talk about, and she says my 'snippy' attitude. The discussion turns into an argument out in the open and I wonder why she has to make such a spectacle out of the event. She tells me the reason I can't live with her anymore is because I never agree with her. We never have the same opinions and I laughed at her, that's stupid, isn't it? We're two different people, of course we don't, but she reiterates, saying 'NEVER have the same opinions' and as far as I'm concerned, who cares? So I say 'Fine, I'll move out.'

Mom: No one said you have to.
Me: I'm not living with someone who doesn't want me to live with them, and yes you did.
Mom: No, I didn't.
Me: Then, I guess, that's just your opinion.
Mom: Fine. I'm the bad guy and you can just blame everything on me, I'm the one who kicked you out and made you go and-
Me: Yeah, you are, and yes, I will blame it all on you.
Mom: Because you're an adult and you refuse to take responsibility-
Me: No, mom, I'm not an adult.
Mom: You don't act like one or take respon-
Me: Cause I'm still a kid, I know.
Mom: You're not a kid, just not an adult.
Me: Then what does that make me, an old person?
Mom: There you go again with that attitude. You need to find new living arrangements.
Me: Does that count as you telling me to leave?

No answer.

So, I'm moving out, and fuck her, and I'm going to have to quit my job and live with my dad. In the mean time, it's stressful and I appreciate everyone's patience with me. I'm sorry.

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

Life is weird right now. My mom's body is slowly breaking down over the sudden weight gain and she's having a hard time dealing with her. Her marriage has been failing for years and it's slowly, slowly, coming to a close. I'm happy for her and him, hoping it will be over soon even though neither of them really knows how to stop or how to move on or even let go. They just don't get it. If they can't be friends then they need to walk away. If they can't even act friendly, why even bother? She's so bitter that she drives him away whenever he tries to do better and he's so done with it that he's beginning to give up on his attempts, and she doesn't understand. He'll call her on the phone and all she'll talk about is how he never calls. When he finally does, he gets a lecture about it and so of course he's not going to want to chit-chat with her on the telephone anymore because it gets nowhere. She's stuck in a rut and he just wants to carry on life the way it was and she refuses to have it. I don't blame either of them for what they're doing, I can't, but I wish they'd go about their business in other ways. This could end classier than they think.

Mom's been crying a bunch lately. We almost got evicted because of the brother I constantly refrain from mentioning because he's been buying drugs and saying it's for his mother. We have under cover police in the apartments I live in (They're not 'hood' but they're technically 'the projects') and on Saturday, we were going to be raided and kicked out. She doesn't do drugs anymore, so all they'd find was paraphernalia and that's not a big enough offense, not enough to be put in a holding cell even. She's torn up about it because that means the people at the office had it out for her. This is why they were a little bit reluctant to put me on the lease again if we were getting kicked out the next day. After I left the office, mom stayed and was told about this. She ended up giving a lot of information about who -should- be removed. We all know who they are, if the police are stupid enough not to know, fuck them.

I'm tired, a little, or, I have been for a while. Not lazy, just sleepy. I mean, I get like, five hours and then go to work and return and try to relax and post in the mean time and then I get five hours sleep and I'm running on E, it sucks. But, I want everyone I care about to know, or think at least, that I'm putting in an effort to see or talk to them. I don't think everyone quite understands just how much of a mess I am and if they did, I imagine they'd be more lenient, or at least more accepting of the circumstances. I want to soak into someone and let them take care of me. Sounds the best and I'm sure someone would be willing, I know enough people who like me to be able to find someone and explain that I'd like to use them for as long as it takes to get back up on my feet.

I don't know why but I feel like no one loves me, even though I'm consciously aware of it. I used to feel enveloped in another persons presence, used to be sated with minimal efforts on another persons part and now it's just not cutting it. It's like I'm wearing myself thin and I used to be okay with not getting much back in return, so long as people understood that I cared about them and now I'm just so fed up with getting nothing or very small amounts and it's killing me. Am I not worth it? Am I too much of a bother? Is it because I lost myself somewhere along the way? Does no one understand that it hurts when they don't try to be a friend? It's not hard, even. It's starting the conversation when I don't, it's saying hello when you think of me, stupid little things that make a world of a difference and if it's so hard, then why talk to me at all? What good am I to you if you can't do these things for me? I'm not thinking of any one person or any one time in particular, just generally speaking.

I wish that I wasn't feeling like this, feeling like I'm dreaming, I hate being Lucid, I don't like the idea and the state and I don't even want to get up some mornings. I don't cry, no, I'm done with that. I'm so far from letting this hurt me that I'm begging other people to give me a moment of relief, to treat me better for just one second so that I can breathe. I want to be happy and energetic when you can't and I want to listen to you when you talk, I want to be serious when you need me to be and I want you to do the same. What am I asking for that isn't assumed already when you become 'friends' with someone else? Is it selfish? Fine. I guess I'll be selfish then.

If you can't give back what I give to you, and it's because you literally -can't-, that's fine. If you won't give it back to me because it's tedious or something is always in the way or there's never time or you just feel like you can't give it to me completely so you won't at all- burn in hell. Burn, in fucking hell, and don't you ever open your mouth to me if I fail you at something. I try harder than most people to do my best for the people I care about, and if you haven't noticed, I'm not doing ask much as I used to. I'm trying to return what's given to me. I am following the golden rule.

So extremely pissed.

I wasn't having a bad day, just, not a good one either. It was one of those days where you're neutral and with the right influence it could go either way. I got home and my brother explains that he bought me Crisis core and I was incredibly excited. I thanked him and I was told they even bought me subway for lunch.

The whole way home as I roller bladed, I'd been planning what to do with the rest of my afternoon. I got off at twelve, decided I'd change into my shoes once I got home and go to the office to sign on the lease again. Then I thought I'd take a nap since I've been really tired.

So, I got home and all these good things happen and then my dad tells me, gives me this ultimatum, that if I don't go to the office that I'm not allowed on the computer. He says similar things about me and a phone number, which I tell him- I have to get off the computer. So, angry now, because I hate it when people try and force me to do something, I stomp in my socks up to the office and say this;

"We received a threatening letter from you guys the other day, telling us that the rent would sky rocket if I didn't A) prove my current residency elsewhere or B) Move in. So, I can't prove I like somewhere else, so I guess I'm moving in."

Woman: "Oh, all you have to do is give us a proof of residency."

Me: "OMG I just said I can't prove it, what the hell?"

Woman: "Okay.... Well.... We're going to need your mother to sign you on."

So I mumble something about beating the shit out of someone soon (relative to when it was spoken) and I find my mom, outburst at her awkwardly and drag her up there, complaining the whole way. When we get inside, the lady is much nicer and says 'Oh, alright, I just wanted to talk to you (speaking to my mother) first before I did anything.' I wanted to kill her.

And my college is charging me for a third quarter even though I was put on academic probation for not logging on enough and then removed so I wasn't even able to log INTO my third quarter and they won't answer their GOD. DAMN. PHONES.

NOT TO MENTION ALL THE BULLSHIT, oh so much bullshit. I'm so tired. I'm so sleepy, and instead I want to roleplay porn with a friend (you know who you are). I don't normally get that angry. I don't verbally speak heated at someone. I say cruel things, but never so feverish as I spewed at her.

This sucks. But hey! Dad just told me to start thinking about what I want for my birthday! Yaaaay. I want something cute, but inexpensive. Gotta think!

I love Pictochat.

And another thing!

Been busy.

With what? Nothing really. Oh, I mean, I've been role playing and that's definitely something so I suppose I lied. Aside from that, not much. I talk to people on MSN, don't hold many conversations and I sit in the house and Veg about nothing. I stood in my mom's bedroom today and told her about one of the RP's and danced around because I'm still so active and she was crawling into bed. Sad story, but very true.

My brother got a call from the guy I'm supposed to start dating and my mom gives me the phone and we talk about nothing in particular. I'm still upset about the fact that he had a panty party and people of the opposite gender were present and they were playing his guitar. Petty? A little. What can I say, he said he would wait and he hung out in his boxers with girls more attractive than me, what am I supposed to do? I'm not jealous, not really, if he doesn't want me then fine, but he shouldn't do things like that if he's 'waiting'. I dislike it when people don't do what they say they will.

I'm a little tired of some of my friendships, I'm slowly realizing. I become more fond of some a restless with others. I wonder how we got so far off track? We started off on the same path and now we're walking in opposite directions. Let me share something with you; If you like me more than I like you, we're having problems. I don't know how else to say it, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I don't want to go out of my way to do it, but it's there, it's obvious and it's apparent; When you don't want to hug me, I'm more likely to want to hug you. So if you spend a long time wanting a hug from me and get it, I'm less and less willing to want to embrace you in return.

What's up with people hating on man hugs anyway? I want to be the man and I want to man to be the woman. We're reversed. I like it that way. So feel free to laugh about how I pat backs, just realize that I'm not going to change it and it makes me want to hug you even less than I already do.

The only time it kills me to not be close with someone is when I'm talking to them. If they're far away or living life, I get upset when they try to include me, aware of the distance. If you're on another continent and you're bragging about something that occured, well goodness, I hope you get raped and die. I can't enjoy the moment with you because it'll make me insanely jealous or envious and if that's what you're looking for, be my guest.

I've gotten into the habit of acting stupid/clumbsy/etc. so that people don't feel intimidated around me. It's kind of hurting my public image but what can I really say, you know? The people I like are attracted to the intimidating side of me but it makes it hard to be around me, so I get that whole cutesy/loud/boisterous thing going and it works out relatively fine.

I lie a lot. I'm weird. Boo.