Hello, My heart is open, my mind is attentive, and my smile is permanent. My arms are wide and waiting for when you need them. Name a song, and I'll hum it to you when you're tired, give me the chance and I'll lie next to you. I love a lot. I love completely. I love you. Come, Sit down and stay a while, let me bask in you, and when the stars and the clouds and the sky starts to fall, can I hold your hand so that I know this is real?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Changing my myspace- wanna keep this.
Hello, My heart is open, my mind is attentive, and my smile is permanent. My arms are wide and waiting for when you need them. Name a song, and I'll hum it to you when you're tired, give me the chance and I'll lie next to you. I love a lot. I love completely. I love you. Come, Sit down and stay a while, let me bask in you, and when the stars and the clouds and the sky starts to fall, can I hold your hand so that I know this is real?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Oh shit, what do I do now?
I was talking with a close friend last night and with someone who didn't know my sitution very well. The latter asked me who the people I mentioned in my notes on Facebook were, and so I went into this huge explanation about who they were and what was going on and by the end of the conversation, she asked me about one of my long-distance close friends redeeming qualities and all I could do was stare at her.
"She's loyal", 'What, is she a dog?'
"She cares about her friends", 'Who -doesn't- care about their -friends-?' And I didn't know what to say.
"She's funny and can put up with me?" 'All of your friends do that. So why her specifically?'
And then they asked 'Is it because you feel like she depends on you? Everyone likes to be needed, I get that.'
I thought about it, and I couldn't come up with an answer. Why was I friends with her? She's done some shitty things, so have I, but my friends can't make sense out of it and I need a better answer than 'because I want her'.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
What I want to keep.
Tonight, I went with a friend and we watched the sky on the cabin of a boat as we ate our Taco bell treats. I had forgotten my shoes, thinking of other things, and it was just a bit cold so I let her use my jacket. There were spiders leading from the fence we jumped all the way down the dock we walked across. It was quiet, and the only motion was that of people taking walks in the dark and a street light that constantly blinked red.
It was hard to see her face, since the only lights were at our backs, but we smiled and laughed and she pointed out the big dipper. It was nice, how the vessel rocked with our movement, and there were no breezes, and it was peaceful.
She drove and the streets were empty, and Stars was in the CD player, singing in harmony as she stroked the back of my neck and steered with one hand. I went home with her, to play a video game but the television was preoccupied and so were we. Playing with the cat and falling asleep on each other, waking up with a slap fight. Once we were red and the marks were warm, we crawled into bed and cuddled. Her fingers trailed over my skin, until she hit my ticklish spot and I snorted, a war beginning. A treuce ended it, and was later betrayed. Giggles, and cut off words that ended in snickering, stroking down the bridge of a nose and minutes of hugging later, it was all interrupted.
The night was shot to hell. But the car ride home made it better. She was warm, and drove in a blanket because she didn't want to put pants on. I fit in with her.
But not with them.
---
Hello, I'm that one girl that everyone claims to know, the one who smiles in your general direction and waves as if she or you mean something. I'm the quiet and still hour between sunset and sunrise, I'm cool sprinkles of rain on your over-heated face. I'm the feeling you get when you finally beat the boss of whatever video game you were playing- after having to put the controls down and walk away. I'm the white noise on your radio and the flutter in your heart after a kiss. I'm the girl who understands when no one else does and the one who seems to never be understood in return, I'm the child who cries in bed during a thunderstorm and the mother who wants desperately to go offer comfort. I'm the beating in your chest, I'm your last breath and the event it takes to open your eyes to the world. I'm unimpressive, complex and wonderful, and I want nothing to do with you.
---
It was hard to see her face, since the only lights were at our backs, but we smiled and laughed and she pointed out the big dipper. It was nice, how the vessel rocked with our movement, and there were no breezes, and it was peaceful.
She drove and the streets were empty, and Stars was in the CD player, singing in harmony as she stroked the back of my neck and steered with one hand. I went home with her, to play a video game but the television was preoccupied and so were we. Playing with the cat and falling asleep on each other, waking up with a slap fight. Once we were red and the marks were warm, we crawled into bed and cuddled. Her fingers trailed over my skin, until she hit my ticklish spot and I snorted, a war beginning. A treuce ended it, and was later betrayed. Giggles, and cut off words that ended in snickering, stroking down the bridge of a nose and minutes of hugging later, it was all interrupted.
The night was shot to hell. But the car ride home made it better. She was warm, and drove in a blanket because she didn't want to put pants on. I fit in with her.
But not with them.
---
Hello, I'm that one girl that everyone claims to know, the one who smiles in your general direction and waves as if she or you mean something. I'm the quiet and still hour between sunset and sunrise, I'm cool sprinkles of rain on your over-heated face. I'm the feeling you get when you finally beat the boss of whatever video game you were playing- after having to put the controls down and walk away. I'm the white noise on your radio and the flutter in your heart after a kiss. I'm the girl who understands when no one else does and the one who seems to never be understood in return, I'm the child who cries in bed during a thunderstorm and the mother who wants desperately to go offer comfort. I'm the beating in your chest, I'm your last breath and the event it takes to open your eyes to the world. I'm unimpressive, complex and wonderful, and I want nothing to do with you.
---
June 2008 - Present |
May 2007 - December 2007 |
September 2006 - May 2007 |
February 2006 - August 2006 |
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Sure, I can put that in the song.
I say:
I liked this guy, right? But he says he wants someone who is broken. And while, yes, a lot of shit has happened to me, I'm definitely stable in some way- and who wants to call themself faulty anyway? It's like someone calling you fake. Which he did. But whatever. I mean- saying you're not real. And- I don't like the concept of leaving myself open to a person, just so I can be hurt. So, it's just, he tells me he likes me back, but I'm not what he needs. How do you respond to that? I said 'oh, okay. I hope you find it then' and he's angry because I didn't fight for it. What's wrong with wanting someone you care about to be happy? Boys confuse me. My first boyfriend told me we'd still be together if I had cried when he mentioned breaking up. Do you like it when people cry? Is that normal?
And so, I cut open my stomach and leave my guts hanging out and for what? So they can back away in disgust? No one cares what I think, or why I do what I do. It's like- why care about me if nothing really matters besides yourself?
I'm ranting. I don't talk about my issues. And so this is strange. Sorry. I've taken up knitting. Because it's something productive and people don't ask you questions about your well-being when they see you do it. Instead they ask 'What're you making?' and I respond 'Leg warmers'.
I'm not sad, even. I'm just so angry. Is that normal? Natural, even?
Usually, I just shrug things off or bury them so I don't get hurt. But I hate this. People are stupid, and blind, and they don't know what they want. I want to be important. I want to be valued. I don't mind being distanced as long as I'm respected, but both and neither- damn it. How 'bout you? What do you want?
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says: SOmeone who loves video games, snuggling, and cares about me and wont cheat on me =/
I say:
I tried dating a girl, and realized I don't like spooning. Or- perhaps it was just with her? It's weird though. Maybe it's normal? I don't like hands on my chest. Or, do you suppose, that's something you get used to? Or maybe you never do. Like, how the inside of your thigh is ticklish. Or that lower area, beneath the belly button but above the hips? That's ticklish too. Or- that's the only place I'm ticklish. Did you ever get into tickle fights as a kid? To where, it -was- fun, but now that you can't breath, it hurts and must stop. I'm talking a lot. I bet you didn't expect that. Er... Typing. Usually I'm anal retentive and bitch about something because I don't know what else to say. Or- I don't want to be nice and then have you get upset at me for some reason. Maybe I should just be bordering sane every time we chat.
I liked this Australian guy. Because. I like the noise that bones make when sloppy wet, torn up skin, bleeding knuckles hit teeth. And he agreed. That'd never happened before. People always say I'm sick and- hey, I want to stab a person to see how hard it is for the knife to pierce through fat. I'm emotionally retarded. Did you know? I can't retain feelings.
And every line is blurred for me. I don't know what is okay and what isn;t. I don't know when I'm allowed or not allowed to do something. When should I laugh? Cry? Be a man (figuratively)
So, I do them at the wrong times. I laugh at funerals and cry in the middle of a party.
When people ask me if I'm okay, I don't know how to answer. Are they asking to be polite, or do they really want to know? So I say ''Oh, I'm okay, I guess' and they usually drop it. I lie to my friends because it doesn't matter if I'm honest. No one cares. I lie when I don't have to
I always make things seem better than they are.
I had my gall bladder removed. And I laughed about it when I told people. The stones clogged the hole and ended up killing it. Six hours more and I would be dead right now. That shit is serious business.
When I was young, I have a bad history with bastard guys, and so I avoid men in general. I was molested a lot. And, I remember passing out because I nearly suffocated on a cock that was shoved down my eleven year old throat. I have big trust issues. I have fears that I'll be left because of something petty.
So why bother liking people at all? It makes you feel so good to like someone and be liked back. That's why. Plus, you can't always help it.
And I'm so tired of the run-around. It's like- if you like me just fucking say it, what's with all the games? Batting eyelashes, or all the stupid asshole comments- are they needed? Is there some reason that people need to do that shit? Is it human nature? Is it the species' mating dance? What the hell happened to all the honest people? And here I am asking that. The one who lies for no reason. I mean- lying. Why not? People piss me off.
Alright, what else can I complain about to your poor soul? How about those people who think they know you because they've gone through similar events? Or say 'I feel you'? One event doesn't define a person, right? And so, it's like- A friend of mine was raped recently, and when I was younger, so was I. And so, she talks to me like she understands completely, brings it up a lot, makes it seem like this one event makes her who she is. Now she's scared of all men. 'Are they gonna rape me?' and then she always says 'you know?' but only to me. Because we're rape sisters now. It pisses me off. I don't like being reminded of it. It's not like I judge men because of it- yes, I'm completely aware of how powerless I can be compared to one, but my life did not end at that moment. There are really nice guys in the world. Everywhere. And there are total douches. But didn't everyone know that to begin with? Just like there are really sweet girls and then there are bitches.
And why do ex's always think they have a right to you? Like, somehow, because you knew eachother in that way, they have some exclusive priveledge?
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
>>; Yer so cute xD
I say:
Thank you. I didn't expect that while complaining.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
Well it's true.
I say:
Whenever you post, I laugh at the 'I think its called foods library'. I like that show. I was thinking that if they were real- I would have trained to become one of their bad-ass snipers. And my brother wondered why I wouldn't want to date Nathan, and- honestly, everyone around them gets killed- except their manager, themselves, and their snipers.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
I ALWAYS crack up on the episode where they adopt the fat kid. Because at the end they are all trying to figure out what to do with him and Nathan is like "Guys..I think we need to build a space helicopter."
I say:
Cause, they're like 'I think we know what we must do' and then he says the most random fucking thing. And of course they take him to the recently dubbed 'kitty island' place.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
xD RELEASE THE KITTIES
I say:
"He'll be okay, he's really fat"
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
I LOVE the part when Toki and Skwisgaar go to feed him. And Skwisgaar is like Dammit you fat tub of shit.....WE love you. xD Show cracks me up so much.
I say: Or when the doctor tells them they shouldn't feed him candy and they're like "oh, but he loves chocolate' and so they try to have him neutered instead.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
Okay, I'll change my name just for you. YES xD
[] iFloof [] [I think its called foods library.] [IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,'] says:
Ok there xD
I liked this guy, right? But he says he wants someone who is broken. And while, yes, a lot of shit has happened to me, I'm definitely stable in some way- and who wants to call themself faulty anyway? It's like someone calling you fake. Which he did. But whatever. I mean- saying you're not real. And- I don't like the concept of leaving myself open to a person, just so I can be hurt. So, it's just, he tells me he likes me back, but I'm not what he needs. How do you respond to that? I said 'oh, okay. I hope you find it then' and he's angry because I didn't fight for it. What's wrong with wanting someone you care about to be happy? Boys confuse me. My first boyfriend told me we'd still be together if I had cried when he mentioned breaking up. Do you like it when people cry? Is that normal?
And so, I cut open my stomach and leave my guts hanging out and for what? So they can back away in disgust? No one cares what I think, or why I do what I do. It's like- why care about me if nothing really matters besides yourself?
I'm ranting. I don't talk about my issues. And so this is strange. Sorry. I've taken up knitting. Because it's something productive and people don't ask you questions about your well-being when they see you do it. Instead they ask 'What're you making?' and I respond 'Leg warmers'.
I'm not sad, even. I'm just so angry. Is that normal? Natural, even?
Usually, I just shrug things off or bury them so I don't get hurt. But I hate this. People are stupid, and blind, and they don't know what they want. I want to be important. I want to be valued. I don't mind being distanced as long as I'm respected, but both and neither- damn it. How 'bout you? What do you want?
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says: SOmeone who loves video games, snuggling, and cares about me and wont cheat on me =/
I say:
I tried dating a girl, and realized I don't like spooning. Or- perhaps it was just with her? It's weird though. Maybe it's normal? I don't like hands on my chest. Or, do you suppose, that's something you get used to? Or maybe you never do. Like, how the inside of your thigh is ticklish. Or that lower area, beneath the belly button but above the hips? That's ticklish too. Or- that's the only place I'm ticklish. Did you ever get into tickle fights as a kid? To where, it -was- fun, but now that you can't breath, it hurts and must stop. I'm talking a lot. I bet you didn't expect that. Er... Typing. Usually I'm anal retentive and bitch about something because I don't know what else to say. Or- I don't want to be nice and then have you get upset at me for some reason. Maybe I should just be bordering sane every time we chat.
I liked this Australian guy. Because. I like the noise that bones make when sloppy wet, torn up skin, bleeding knuckles hit teeth. And he agreed. That'd never happened before. People always say I'm sick and- hey, I want to stab a person to see how hard it is for the knife to pierce through fat. I'm emotionally retarded. Did you know? I can't retain feelings.
And every line is blurred for me. I don't know what is okay and what isn;t. I don't know when I'm allowed or not allowed to do something. When should I laugh? Cry? Be a man (figuratively)
So, I do them at the wrong times. I laugh at funerals and cry in the middle of a party.
When people ask me if I'm okay, I don't know how to answer. Are they asking to be polite, or do they really want to know? So I say ''Oh, I'm okay, I guess' and they usually drop it. I lie to my friends because it doesn't matter if I'm honest. No one cares. I lie when I don't have to
I always make things seem better than they are.
I had my gall bladder removed. And I laughed about it when I told people. The stones clogged the hole and ended up killing it. Six hours more and I would be dead right now. That shit is serious business.
When I was young, I have a bad history with bastard guys, and so I avoid men in general. I was molested a lot. And, I remember passing out because I nearly suffocated on a cock that was shoved down my eleven year old throat. I have big trust issues. I have fears that I'll be left because of something petty.
So why bother liking people at all? It makes you feel so good to like someone and be liked back. That's why. Plus, you can't always help it.
And I'm so tired of the run-around. It's like- if you like me just fucking say it, what's with all the games? Batting eyelashes, or all the stupid asshole comments- are they needed? Is there some reason that people need to do that shit? Is it human nature? Is it the species' mating dance? What the hell happened to all the honest people? And here I am asking that. The one who lies for no reason. I mean- lying. Why not? People piss me off.
Alright, what else can I complain about to your poor soul? How about those people who think they know you because they've gone through similar events? Or say 'I feel you'? One event doesn't define a person, right? And so, it's like- A friend of mine was raped recently, and when I was younger, so was I. And so, she talks to me like she understands completely, brings it up a lot, makes it seem like this one event makes her who she is. Now she's scared of all men. 'Are they gonna rape me?' and then she always says 'you know?' but only to me. Because we're rape sisters now. It pisses me off. I don't like being reminded of it. It's not like I judge men because of it- yes, I'm completely aware of how powerless I can be compared to one, but my life did not end at that moment. There are really nice guys in the world. Everywhere. And there are total douches. But didn't everyone know that to begin with? Just like there are really sweet girls and then there are bitches.
And why do ex's always think they have a right to you? Like, somehow, because you knew eachother in that way, they have some exclusive priveledge?
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
>>; Yer so cute xD
I say:
Thank you. I didn't expect that while complaining.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
Well it's true.
I say:
Whenever you post, I laugh at the 'I think its called foods library'. I like that show. I was thinking that if they were real- I would have trained to become one of their bad-ass snipers. And my brother wondered why I wouldn't want to date Nathan, and- honestly, everyone around them gets killed- except their manager, themselves, and their snipers.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
I ALWAYS crack up on the episode where they adopt the fat kid. Because at the end they are all trying to figure out what to do with him and Nathan is like "Guys..I think we need to build a space helicopter."
I say:
Cause, they're like 'I think we know what we must do' and then he says the most random fucking thing. And of course they take him to the recently dubbed 'kitty island' place.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
xD RELEASE THE KITTIES
I say:
"He'll be okay, he's really fat"
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
I LOVE the part when Toki and Skwisgaar go to feed him. And Skwisgaar is like Dammit you fat tub of shit.....WE love you. xD Show cracks me up so much.
I say: Or when the doctor tells them they shouldn't feed him candy and they're like "oh, but he loves chocolate' and so they try to have him neutered instead.
[] iFloof [] ∮ [Ruru is the sheep to my rabbit, the bull to my goat. <3] ∮[I think its called foods library.] says:
Okay, I'll change my name just for you. YES xD
[] iFloof [] [I think its called foods library.] [IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,'] says:
Ok there xD
Monday, July 7, 2008
So, like, when did that happen?
Somehow, over the last couple of days, my head was cleared and I'm not thinking in spasms. It's great, really, because that means I can be human again and have normal contact with others without freaking them the hell out. I like being able to express myself correctly, without all the noise. Of course, I have no idea what set me straight and if this happens once or twice more, I won't know how to fix it. Time? Patience? Talking about it? Thinking about it? Endless issues that upon hindsight have ended?
The excitement is building. I'm happy about this. Really enthusiastically happy. I want to kiss someone until my lungs burn, alas, I have no one for that, but it doesn't mean the yearning isn't there. I don't know when it happened either. I just thought randomly 'wow, I can think' and had to scurry to the computer and test it out. Even with the person who brought the insane habits around, I'm precise. I'm a robot and data is being taken. I love this.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
The coffee never tasted so good.
I'm okay, really, I am, geez self, why are you trying so hard to make such a big deal out of it? A guy has expressed his interest in you and his disinterest in a relationship and if you'd be so kind, try and keep the brain clear of your stupid thoughts, please and thank you. I know you well enough to realize that's a hard task but do remember that even if he doesn't love you back, there are others and me even, who care for you ten times more.I said I'd stop analyzing him, I think, or was that a dream? Anyway, I didn't stop. I think it was a dream, actually, but that's fine because the promise was in my heart and I'm no one of importance and definitely not worth a complaint. All that aside, I've been wondering about him lately and a question arises. Does he really want a person? That's not the question, that's what comes before the realization that he doesn't know what he wants for the life of him. Somehow he knows it's not me.
I'm functioning better, I think I'm finally coming around.
I don't want to be someone else for someone else. I want to be me in accordance to their them. I want them to like the me I am so that I don't see any sense in lying. I want to be confidant enough to not lie even if they don't like the me I am because I probably don't like the them they are anyhow.
-Love, She walked through the forest and wondered a little, about the apples that shone too red in the light to be non-toxic.
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