So, my mind is all over the place and the only time I ever have a chance to put abnything in order is when I'm in an argument. In which case, it gets scrambled anyway, jumping from subject to subject.
We should both be happy. That's what it boils down to. I want friends, because that's normal and me being a whore isn't an excuse. It's a cop-out. What's the accomplishment of being the most important to me, if there's only one or two other people in my life? Friends also let me talk and they care about all the shit I say that you don't. It's that simple. You asked me not to get friends just because I'm lonely, but I'm not. I'm getting them because you're not being my friend and I need those.
You need them too. That's why you have them. You flirt with your friends and you have fun and hang out with them, and I'm jealous of your friends because you don't do those things with me. Just because you got me doesn't mean you get to stop doing all the mundane stuff like joking around with me. You used to be excited to see me, you used to make time for me, and we used to be able to laugh together. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a worn down version 8.0 of Open Office that didn't need to be upgraded in the first place.
I'm loyal.
I was happy with you to begin with.
We talked and got along.
But now--
I'm unfaithful?
We're unhappy more than happy?
We don't talk much, mainly because it starts arguments.
Let's just try to trust each other. I'm such a guilty person that anything I do wrong I would tell you about anyway. I would never cheat. I like to think you wouldn't either.
We like each other. We're just too sensitive to each other that we get offended by everything.
Ultimately it comes down to this.
I am in love with you.
I like having friends.
I like having hobbies that include other people. Like art collaberations, and talking about books I've read. Playing video games together. I can do those things with you, but you not wanting to do them doesn't mean I don't want to still.
I like helping people-- it makes me feel useful. I don't like touching them, or sharing anything but advice with them-- I don't want to connect on a deeper level, I just want to help them. Sometimes I wish people would do the same for me.
I want to tutor people. Not because I'm a whore, but because I like helping, I like teaching. I don't like lots of people, I hate most of them, so I don't want to help everyone. Just the ones who couldn't get help otherwise.
I wish you would try and talk to my friends. Maybe then you'd accept them.
I want to do everything with you, but you're busy and one day I will be, too. So I want you to schedule in time for me.
I want to hang out with just you sometimes. No phone, no computer, no other people. Just the two of us. Where I can enjoy just you.
I love you. But we do have things to work on. We probably always will. I want to work on trust. Us trusting each other.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I like things.
Here, then, is what I was able to note immediately after the decapitation: the eyelids and lips of the guillotined man worked in irregularly rhythmic contractions for about five or six seconds . I waited for several seconds. The spasmodic movements ceased.
The face relaxed, the lids half closed on the eyeballs, leaving only the white of the conjunctiva visible, exactly as in the dying whom we have occasion to see every day in the exercise of our profession, or as in those just dead.
It was then that I called in a strong, sharp voice: 'Languille!' I saw the eyelids slowly lift up, without any spasmodic contractions . Next Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves . After several seconds, the eyelids closed again, slowly and evenly, and the head took on the same appearance as it had had before I called out.
It was at that point that I called out again and, once more, without any spasm, slowly, the eyelids lifted and undeniably living eyes fixed themselves on mine with perhaps even more penetration than the first time. Then there was a further closing of the eyelids, but now less complete. I attempted the effect of a third call; there was no further movement and the eyes took on the glazed look which they have in the dead.
I have just recounted to you with rigorous exactness what I was able to observe. The whole thing had lasted twenty-five to thirty seconds.
-Dr. Beaurieux, Archives d'Anthropologie Criminelle, June 28th, 1905
The face relaxed, the lids half closed on the eyeballs, leaving only the white of the conjunctiva visible, exactly as in the dying whom we have occasion to see every day in the exercise of our profession, or as in those just dead.
It was then that I called in a strong, sharp voice: 'Languille!' I saw the eyelids slowly lift up, without any spasmodic contractions . Next Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves . After several seconds, the eyelids closed again, slowly and evenly, and the head took on the same appearance as it had had before I called out.
It was at that point that I called out again and, once more, without any spasm, slowly, the eyelids lifted and undeniably living eyes fixed themselves on mine with perhaps even more penetration than the first time. Then there was a further closing of the eyelids, but now less complete. I attempted the effect of a third call; there was no further movement and the eyes took on the glazed look which they have in the dead.
I have just recounted to you with rigorous exactness what I was able to observe. The whole thing had lasted twenty-five to thirty seconds.
-Dr. Beaurieux, Archives d'Anthropologie Criminelle, June 28th, 1905
Friday, May 7, 2010
So apparently, no.
You ever have one of those moments where you wonder why you ever really talk at all? Because no matter what you do or say, someone takes it wrong? I've had that feeling a lot lately, man I need to stop pissing people off.
Myself included.
Myself included.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I don't have room for feeling, apparently.
Myer-Briggs has a personality test more commonly known as the 'MBTI'. When you're a student in high school you're given this as an in-class assignment to figure out your personality type and some major careers it thinks you would do best in or should pursue. There's a four letter sequence you receive and a total of eight letters to choose from. The eight letters are I/E, S/N, T/F, P/J. For each set, you can only get one letter. They translate to: Introvert/Extrovert, Sensing/Intuitive, Thinking/Feeling, Perceive/Judge.
This test you take required you answer a lot of random situation questions and based on your choice of a), b), c), or e), you are given a type. The first time, I got 'ENTP', but I felt like I was half and half on one of my answers, so I switched it and received 'INTJ'. The constant is 'Intuitive Thinker'. During a conversation with a close friend of mine, I was explaining that I think a lot, but not about anything worthwhile, nothing with depth or importance. While she thought about major issues, or even small things but she had great detail in her thought processes. I was shocked, because she was an INFP, which means she feels more than she thinks, and given how much she thinks, she must feel a LOT. So she points out to me that if I don't think very much and what not, and I got 'Thinker', how much does that tell you I feel?
This was a concerning discovery and I always knew I was emotionally retarded, but this kind of just pointed out to what extent. My most common thoughts are;
'What's the point?' and
'If I told you out loud that I don't care, would you stop talking?'
I'm concerned about my future, except, not really. I'm not concerned. It's just a vague concept that resembles 'I wonder if I'll ever have an intimate relationship if I can't bring myself to care about someone enough to 'deal' with them on a daily basis'. I might undergo some hypno-therapy to see if I can find a way to cope with not loving people, or at least pin-point when I stopped.
This test you take required you answer a lot of random situation questions and based on your choice of a), b), c), or e), you are given a type. The first time, I got 'ENTP', but I felt like I was half and half on one of my answers, so I switched it and received 'INTJ'. The constant is 'Intuitive Thinker'. During a conversation with a close friend of mine, I was explaining that I think a lot, but not about anything worthwhile, nothing with depth or importance. While she thought about major issues, or even small things but she had great detail in her thought processes. I was shocked, because she was an INFP, which means she feels more than she thinks, and given how much she thinks, she must feel a LOT. So she points out to me that if I don't think very much and what not, and I got 'Thinker', how much does that tell you I feel?
This was a concerning discovery and I always knew I was emotionally retarded, but this kind of just pointed out to what extent. My most common thoughts are;
'What's the point?' and
'If I told you out loud that I don't care, would you stop talking?'
I'm concerned about my future, except, not really. I'm not concerned. It's just a vague concept that resembles 'I wonder if I'll ever have an intimate relationship if I can't bring myself to care about someone enough to 'deal' with them on a daily basis'. I might undergo some hypno-therapy to see if I can find a way to cope with not loving people, or at least pin-point when I stopped.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Let's do a major mind sweep.
My mother. She is synonymous with the words 'hectic', 'chaos', 'martyr', 'memory of convenience'. Let's explain that, yeah? Whenever she comes over, there's so much static in the air that it's both suffocating and insufferable. Somehow, she's trying to see who else will take her on, to see if their electricity snaps with hers the right way. Mine always does, the only difference is that my electricity starts fires and hers just fries everything it comes into contact with. Except me, it seems. She's endlessly not satisfied, there's always something wrong when she's here, it's almost like we've formed split personalities so that when she comes over we don't have to deal with her shit- and the thing is, she notices it, and even though we're doing what she always tells us to do, that's not good enough either. Say, for example, I never put my dishes in the dish washer. When she bitches at me, I decide I'll only do it when she comes over, so she comes over, I do it, and she has a problem with it. 'Oh, so NOW you put them away, now that I had to talk to you about it?' and I think 'yeah, that's right' because I wouldn't have done it if she hadn't said something. So, she says something, I do what she asked, and because I'm doing what she asked, she's mad. Somehow it makes her 'seem like a bad guy'. That was an example. An example of something that happened, but none the less.
She told me I was a mistake, years ago, and it came up in an argument. She says 'I don't remember that'. She never remembers when she hurts someone else, but she remembers when they hurt her. I had even asked 'do you mean 'accident'?' And she said 'no, a mistake.' After I told her that, she said 'well, you were a mistake. We didn't plan well and the real mistake was telling you that.' I see. The real mistake has nothing to do with how you were never our mother, you were our therapist, our very own private God if you will. She's so conniving. I don't get it.
She disowned me. Said 'You just burnt this bridge' after she said 'I'll respect you if you get off your fat ass and do something' and I replied 'That's how I feel ['about you' was implied]'. In the same argument, my brother told her she was dead to him, and she came over two weeks later, announcing that those things never happened. I told her what she said, and how I don't want to be nice to her, and she said 'I don't remember that'. She said 'I apologize' and I said 'I don't accept. I don't know what you're apologizing for. Besides, what the hell is an 'apology'? Are you SORRY? Are you taking responsibilityity for what you did?'
'No, I don't remember saying it, so I'm not sorry.'
'Do you think I'm lying to you?'
'No, I just don't remember.'
I'm done with not being angry at people who forget things. FUCK that. I'm so tired of that. I'm angry for so long and then they just don't remember and I'm supposed to let it go? What else can I do with it? No. She said she was sorry for hurting my feelings, later, and explained why she's been so hostile.
'When you came back from Utah, you stayed the night with Elizabeth on your first day back. I was so angry because I had been the one who helped you get home and I felt betrayed.'
'Mom? I called and asked if it was okay with you.'
'You're twenty-one, you make your own decisions.'
'No, mom, I wasn't asking for permission. I was asking if it was OKAY with YOU if I went with Liz.'
'Oh. I didn't realize.'
Of course not. No one asks. I wonder if they realize how simple I am. I wonder if anyone really realized how simple I am. My characters are complex because I'm jealous that I'm not. I'm a code and if you can decode me, I'm the easiest thing in the world. No one realizes that if you ask me a blunt question, I'll give you a blunt answer.
'Do you love me?'
'Yes.'
'Do you want my body?'
'Yes.'
'Why are you so nice to me?'
'Because I care about you. I'm not nice to people who don't mean anything to me.'
---
I'm very pointed about things. I won't have sex unless it means something to me. I won't kiss someone unless they mean something to me. I've counted the amount of times I've kissed someone romantically, I've counted who I've kissed, know their names. Anyone I'm fumbled around with, I have them counted. Anyone who has made it to level four or five. I know the first and last names of everyone who has ever meant a lot to me and I know all the people I've had crushes on since kindergarden. I keep track so that I know. Every single person that I care about will be in my life forever because I keep them there. If I were a presidential candidate, every single vote counts, everytime.
I keep track of what is important to the people who are important to me. I keep track of what they want from life, ideals they have, and usually, I can even remember very small details that even I'm surprised about. I have the ability to be the best friend you could ever have. I can do these things, because that's important to me. If I care about you enough to treat you well, I want to be your favorite person and I will try forever until that happens and then I'll keep it that way. (Significant others excluded. It would suck if someone liked their best friend more than their arm ornament.)
I'm really bad in relationships. I've never really built a relationship level in the same way I've built friendship levels. So I treat them the same, but I don't know what I'm allowed to do and so I don't do anything at all. Am I allowed to hug? Kiss? Can I hold your hand in public? Can I do anything I want in public? Do I have to ask you before I do something? If your parents already know me, should I still meet them? If I don't know them, is it too soon? I can touch people well, and it's not difficult to bring someone to climax, and if I've had enough time to feel at ease around you, I will do those things, but... is it okay that in the mean time, I don't want you to hang on me? If you're not okay with that, is it something we should break up over, or is it something we both have to compromise over? I mean, it's my body, so should I have to compromise just because you want to touch me? Does the fact that we're dating have influence over that?
I'm confused about a lot of things. Supposedly, after the term 'sex' was defined, I've had it with girls before. Sex is engaging in a sexual activity where one or more parties has an orgasm. Sexual intercourse is inserting (usually the penis) and object into (usually the vagina/anus) orafice. Having sex requires movement, thrusts, release, etc. This was very helpful, because some people don't realize that I really had no idea what sex was considered among two women and thus, partially why I'm afraid of having a same-sex relationship. I don't want a relationship in which I don't know what the bases are, e.g. first, second, third, home run.
I've come to a conclusion about the type of love I want. I want to have a love where I can be whoever I am, no matter if it's the violent malicious me, or if it's the shy person. I can be cold and calculating, and I can be sadistic or masochistic and I can love it when you make me feel disgusting, I can be happy and cheerful and dopy and I might (rarely) cry. I can be jealous and lost and always confused about something, but I'm always using the same brain and rationaliztions.
I want someone who can handle me well. That's all.
---
Elizabeth is moving to Korea. When I was younger, I used to smash faces in with my bloody knuckles and I would laugh and I felt no remorse and I met her and gave it all up. You can't change the inside, but you can halt actions and sometimes dull reactions, and I've tried so hard, but I'm really scared. Firstly, of losing her. That's way above any other concerns. I'm scared. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's the person who knows me best and I want her to be happy and I want to not hold her back and so she's going and I love her and I'm going to write to her every couple of days once she's gone.
Second. What if I revert? Since the muzzle has been removed from the dog, does it know not to bite? Or does it not realize that when provoked it may snap back on instinct? I worry too much. Usually about things involving my friends and their mental health.
---
I live in the middle of no where and I can't get a job but I have things I need to pay for and this is pissing me right the fuck off.
I'm probably going to start working weekends in Bellevue, when Liz brings me down. Least I'll have some money coming in. It'll be better. More comfortable for Dad, then, too.
---
I'm really sad that Emily and I are no longer well acquainted. This has hurt my feelings a lot and now that I'm distanced from it, I'm able to say that. I didn't cry, but I felt this sense of numbing and I kind of nod now, wondering why it took so long, thankful that I'd had as long as I did.
---
I'm over Andrew. Now I'm just trying to be his friend. Sometimes I remember why I liked him so much, and there's a throb, but that's slowly ebbing away, too. It's hard to extract yourself from something when it's all around.
---
I think I have a crush on three girls right now, and it's impossible with all of them. Distance, closeness, and proximity. These are all the reasons. They're all too good for me, anyway. I like them intimidating, so it makes sense this way. Heh. Too bad, though, that's just more people to get over.
---
I like a guy who is so bad for me. I think we're both bored of each other. It's too bad. But we still want each other. How stubborn can you get?
---
I used to be fearless when I was young.
---
I'm going to become fearless.
---
I'm okay.
She told me I was a mistake, years ago, and it came up in an argument. She says 'I don't remember that'. She never remembers when she hurts someone else, but she remembers when they hurt her. I had even asked 'do you mean 'accident'?' And she said 'no, a mistake.' After I told her that, she said 'well, you were a mistake. We didn't plan well and the real mistake was telling you that.' I see. The real mistake has nothing to do with how you were never our mother, you were our therapist, our very own private God if you will. She's so conniving. I don't get it.
She disowned me. Said 'You just burnt this bridge' after she said 'I'll respect you if you get off your fat ass and do something' and I replied 'That's how I feel ['about you' was implied]'. In the same argument, my brother told her she was dead to him, and she came over two weeks later, announcing that those things never happened. I told her what she said, and how I don't want to be nice to her, and she said 'I don't remember that'. She said 'I apologize' and I said 'I don't accept. I don't know what you're apologizing for. Besides, what the hell is an 'apology'? Are you SORRY? Are you taking responsibilityity for what you did?'
'No, I don't remember saying it, so I'm not sorry.'
'Do you think I'm lying to you?'
'No, I just don't remember.'
I'm done with not being angry at people who forget things. FUCK that. I'm so tired of that. I'm angry for so long and then they just don't remember and I'm supposed to let it go? What else can I do with it? No. She said she was sorry for hurting my feelings, later, and explained why she's been so hostile.
'When you came back from Utah, you stayed the night with Elizabeth on your first day back. I was so angry because I had been the one who helped you get home and I felt betrayed.'
'Mom? I called and asked if it was okay with you.'
'You're twenty-one, you make your own decisions.'
'No, mom, I wasn't asking for permission. I was asking if it was OKAY with YOU if I went with Liz.'
'Oh. I didn't realize.'
Of course not. No one asks. I wonder if they realize how simple I am. I wonder if anyone really realized how simple I am. My characters are complex because I'm jealous that I'm not. I'm a code and if you can decode me, I'm the easiest thing in the world. No one realizes that if you ask me a blunt question, I'll give you a blunt answer.
'Do you love me?'
'Yes.'
'Do you want my body?'
'Yes.'
'Why are you so nice to me?'
'Because I care about you. I'm not nice to people who don't mean anything to me.'
---
I'm very pointed about things. I won't have sex unless it means something to me. I won't kiss someone unless they mean something to me. I've counted the amount of times I've kissed someone romantically, I've counted who I've kissed, know their names. Anyone I'm fumbled around with, I have them counted. Anyone who has made it to level four or five. I know the first and last names of everyone who has ever meant a lot to me and I know all the people I've had crushes on since kindergarden. I keep track so that I know. Every single person that I care about will be in my life forever because I keep them there. If I were a presidential candidate, every single vote counts, everytime.
I keep track of what is important to the people who are important to me. I keep track of what they want from life, ideals they have, and usually, I can even remember very small details that even I'm surprised about. I have the ability to be the best friend you could ever have. I can do these things, because that's important to me. If I care about you enough to treat you well, I want to be your favorite person and I will try forever until that happens and then I'll keep it that way. (Significant others excluded. It would suck if someone liked their best friend more than their arm ornament.)
I'm really bad in relationships. I've never really built a relationship level in the same way I've built friendship levels. So I treat them the same, but I don't know what I'm allowed to do and so I don't do anything at all. Am I allowed to hug? Kiss? Can I hold your hand in public? Can I do anything I want in public? Do I have to ask you before I do something? If your parents already know me, should I still meet them? If I don't know them, is it too soon? I can touch people well, and it's not difficult to bring someone to climax, and if I've had enough time to feel at ease around you, I will do those things, but... is it okay that in the mean time, I don't want you to hang on me? If you're not okay with that, is it something we should break up over, or is it something we both have to compromise over? I mean, it's my body, so should I have to compromise just because you want to touch me? Does the fact that we're dating have influence over that?
I'm confused about a lot of things. Supposedly, after the term 'sex' was defined, I've had it with girls before. Sex is engaging in a sexual activity where one or more parties has an orgasm. Sexual intercourse is inserting (usually the penis) and object into (usually the vagina/anus) orafice. Having sex requires movement, thrusts, release, etc. This was very helpful, because some people don't realize that I really had no idea what sex was considered among two women and thus, partially why I'm afraid of having a same-sex relationship. I don't want a relationship in which I don't know what the bases are, e.g. first, second, third, home run.
I've come to a conclusion about the type of love I want. I want to have a love where I can be whoever I am, no matter if it's the violent malicious me, or if it's the shy person. I can be cold and calculating, and I can be sadistic or masochistic and I can love it when you make me feel disgusting, I can be happy and cheerful and dopy and I might (rarely) cry. I can be jealous and lost and always confused about something, but I'm always using the same brain and rationaliztions.
I want someone who can handle me well. That's all.
---
Elizabeth is moving to Korea. When I was younger, I used to smash faces in with my bloody knuckles and I would laugh and I felt no remorse and I met her and gave it all up. You can't change the inside, but you can halt actions and sometimes dull reactions, and I've tried so hard, but I'm really scared. Firstly, of losing her. That's way above any other concerns. I'm scared. I'm going to miss her a lot. She's the person who knows me best and I want her to be happy and I want to not hold her back and so she's going and I love her and I'm going to write to her every couple of days once she's gone.
Second. What if I revert? Since the muzzle has been removed from the dog, does it know not to bite? Or does it not realize that when provoked it may snap back on instinct? I worry too much. Usually about things involving my friends and their mental health.
---
I live in the middle of no where and I can't get a job but I have things I need to pay for and this is pissing me right the fuck off.
I'm probably going to start working weekends in Bellevue, when Liz brings me down. Least I'll have some money coming in. It'll be better. More comfortable for Dad, then, too.
---
I'm really sad that Emily and I are no longer well acquainted. This has hurt my feelings a lot and now that I'm distanced from it, I'm able to say that. I didn't cry, but I felt this sense of numbing and I kind of nod now, wondering why it took so long, thankful that I'd had as long as I did.
---
I'm over Andrew. Now I'm just trying to be his friend. Sometimes I remember why I liked him so much, and there's a throb, but that's slowly ebbing away, too. It's hard to extract yourself from something when it's all around.
---
I think I have a crush on three girls right now, and it's impossible with all of them. Distance, closeness, and proximity. These are all the reasons. They're all too good for me, anyway. I like them intimidating, so it makes sense this way. Heh. Too bad, though, that's just more people to get over.
---
I like a guy who is so bad for me. I think we're both bored of each other. It's too bad. But we still want each other. How stubborn can you get?
---
I used to be fearless when I was young.
---
I'm going to become fearless.
---
I'm okay.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Call in the cavalry.
Hi. My name is Christina and I've kind of been in a rut. It started a few months ago and has been continually getting worse and worse. For a while there, I thought I was over it. For a while there, I was, but then this brick wall presented itself to me and I was unsure of what to do. I can't climb it, I cannot walk around it, so I bashed my head against it until it crumbled to the ground and I lied beneath the rubble, bleeding, and confused and probably bounding on mental retardation for a while.
So many bad things happened at once that I was back to square one, wondering how the fuck I was going to get out of this one. I'd been struggling, had been trying to figure out what to do, and thanks to some of my friends, I realized that I was the problem. I have this secretive issue, and I also have this lying concern. I don't worry about that last one so much anymore, I've been working on it a lot and I've gotten some very good and very bad results. Everything that happened, I completely deserved, so I didn't blame anyone and I wasn't offended, I was just sad. It is my fault that a lot of this stuff has happened, but no one knew that until I told them so. I guess I was idealistic to think that coming clean to my friends was worth something. I thought that if they knew I thought they were worth it, and that they knew I was trying to get better, we could try and work something out. Some people did not feel that way, and naturally, I have to respect that. After all, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me.
'Friends' came into question. The word and the definition. I don't have to talk to someone often to consider them my friend. I could go months without talking to someone and still consider them my friend because I trust that when the two of us aren't busy and we have time, I believe we'll fill in the blanks. For some friends, they don't agree. They think you have to be an active part of their life in order to be considered a friend. We don't see eye to eye because my heart loves people, not my brain. Even if I was mad at them, if they apologized, I'd be okay with it because I care about them.
I don't see a lot of my friends very often at all. My closest friend, I live near and still don't see her as much as I'd like. I'm probably the one to blame for that. We're not talking right now, but she responded when I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, so at least she doesn't detest me. My second closest friend (currently my closest?), the person I talk to most often, I don't even live in the same state as her, or even the same coast, but I consider us close. I keep a lot of things from her, and she dislikes it with fervor, but I just don't like sharing a lot about myself. I believe that if anyone really knew me, I'd be completely alone.
I want to get closer with the friends I have now. Certain individuals, not all of them. S, E, A, A, G, E. Six people. One of them doesn't consider me a friend. One of them thinks it just takes time, and I hope that one day, we'll be able to be closer than just the internet. I want to spend more time with two of them, and I want to share more about myself with another. Lastly, I want one of them to share important things with me. I want all of them to do that, but this last one is important. He doesn't have anyone else.
Being a disappointment isn't fun.
Happy Thanksgiving, I leave in three days for Utah.
So many bad things happened at once that I was back to square one, wondering how the fuck I was going to get out of this one. I'd been struggling, had been trying to figure out what to do, and thanks to some of my friends, I realized that I was the problem. I have this secretive issue, and I also have this lying concern. I don't worry about that last one so much anymore, I've been working on it a lot and I've gotten some very good and very bad results. Everything that happened, I completely deserved, so I didn't blame anyone and I wasn't offended, I was just sad. It is my fault that a lot of this stuff has happened, but no one knew that until I told them so. I guess I was idealistic to think that coming clean to my friends was worth something. I thought that if they knew I thought they were worth it, and that they knew I was trying to get better, we could try and work something out. Some people did not feel that way, and naturally, I have to respect that. After all, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me.
'Friends' came into question. The word and the definition. I don't have to talk to someone often to consider them my friend. I could go months without talking to someone and still consider them my friend because I trust that when the two of us aren't busy and we have time, I believe we'll fill in the blanks. For some friends, they don't agree. They think you have to be an active part of their life in order to be considered a friend. We don't see eye to eye because my heart loves people, not my brain. Even if I was mad at them, if they apologized, I'd be okay with it because I care about them.
I don't see a lot of my friends very often at all. My closest friend, I live near and still don't see her as much as I'd like. I'm probably the one to blame for that. We're not talking right now, but she responded when I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, so at least she doesn't detest me. My second closest friend (currently my closest?), the person I talk to most often, I don't even live in the same state as her, or even the same coast, but I consider us close. I keep a lot of things from her, and she dislikes it with fervor, but I just don't like sharing a lot about myself. I believe that if anyone really knew me, I'd be completely alone.
I want to get closer with the friends I have now. Certain individuals, not all of them. S, E, A, A, G, E. Six people. One of them doesn't consider me a friend. One of them thinks it just takes time, and I hope that one day, we'll be able to be closer than just the internet. I want to spend more time with two of them, and I want to share more about myself with another. Lastly, I want one of them to share important things with me. I want all of them to do that, but this last one is important. He doesn't have anyone else.
Being a disappointment isn't fun.
Happy Thanksgiving, I leave in three days for Utah.
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